Parenting 101

Congratulations! If you’re reading this you have reached a great milestone in your parenting journey. You have come to the place where other parents before you and even more parents after you will all get to. That place is the state of confusion. Yes, you have arrived.

You are in luck!  You are exactly where you are supposed to be. If you were not here, I would be more concerned for you than I am at this very moment. You have entered the space of knowing and understanding that you do not know or understand what you are supposed to be doing. As bewildering as it sounds, it’s also a wonderful place for growth and development. 

Before we move forward, let me make something perfectly clear: You are not now, nor will you ever be, a perfect parent! Wait, what? Yes, you read correctly. Now take a deep breath and relax.  Accepting this fact will help take some of the pressure off. Besides, you are in good company. 

Anyone who claims to have it all together is one thing and one thing only. A liar! Ok, so maybe that’s a little harsh, but the fact is that none of us have it all together – ever! And when it comes to parenting, there’s no difference. The goal of parenting is not to be perfect, but to be effective.

Make no doubt about it, some parents are more effective in their parenting than others. But there is not one way to be a “great parent”.  How you parent can show up in as many different ways as the number of children that you have. And, to boot, your parenting style will change as your children grow older and into different dimensions of their life. So, here are a few tips for working toward being an effective, though less than perfect, parent.

1. Keep in mind you will never be perfect, so loosen up. (I know I keep saying this, but it bares repeating.) 

2. Be flexible. What works during one phase or with one child may not work with another. Be prepared to change and improvise. 

3. Pay attention to how your child responds. You can learn a lot about yourself as a parent by observing your child. Modify things that do not work and modify your own maladaptive behaviors if you notice your child mimicking them. 

4. Be loving. Express loving kindness regularly to your child. Let them know they are wonderful just for being them. Abuse is neither effective nor appropriate. 

5. Be clear and consistent. Having boundaries are important. Being clear to everyone what those boundaries are is even more important. Make sure you are consistent with those boundaries although they don’t have to be written in stone. See tip 2.  

6. Remember, they’ve never done it before, either. This is your 3 year-old’s or 15 year-old’s first time navigating this water, too. Parenting is a delicate dance where you make up many of the steps as you go along. The fun thing is, your dance partner has never danced the dance so they don’t know when you’ve blown it. 

7. Be present. This time goes by much too fast. Make sure you don’t miss those special moments trying to create perfect moments. When you look back, you’ll find that each perfectly imperfect memory is exquisitely designed without your even trying. 

Catherine Mukes is a licensed professional counselor supervisor in the state of Texas. She has over 15 years of experience working with adults, children, groups and couples. She offers counseling and supervision in two locations in the Houston area. For more information visit http://www.CatherineMukes.com

About Psychic Relationships

Silent, but deadly…

Many of us are aware of the power of words.  What we say to someone can build them up or tear them down.  We can express love and caring, we can express disdain and hatred.  While we are clear on those powers, we miss the power of our silence.

When we interact with others, our words and tone are only about 30% of how the message is conveyed.  The other 70% is wrapped up in our body language and other non-verbals.  So, while we  may have masterfully crafted the perfect words to say, our facial expression may tell a completely different story.

I have witnessed, in my life and in my practice, some of the heaviest blows that come without utterance of a single word.  These silent but deadly communication and relationship killers can have an impact far beyond what words can.

Below are what I call “the three s’s” of silent but deadly communication responses.  If you find yourself using these, consider the conflict it may be causing in your relationships even when you think you have said all the right words.

The “Sigh”- Sighing can be pretty normal. They sometimes indicated that we are tired or bored.  Now, imagine you are telling your loved one something you find to be really exciting or important, and they let out that familiar pocket of air.  How do you feel? Deflated? Unimportant? Like a bother? The sigh, whether intentional or not, can make your loved one feel unheard and can bring a screeching halt to communication.

The “Shaking of the Head” – The motion of shifting the head side to side generally indicates the response “no”.  If someone asks a question, and you say the word yes while simultaneously shaking your head, they are likely prone to believe your motion over your verbiage.  If someone walks up to you and never utters a word, but shakes their head, what goes through your mind? Perhaps you wonder if you did something wrong, if you look odd, if they don’t like you.  The thoughts are generally ones of disapproval.  When we shake our head at someone, what we are communicating with them is that they are unworthy, unloveable or some other variation of “bad”.

The “Scowl” – Furrowed eyebrows, down turned lips, icy stare.  We’ve all seen it, and have likely all done it.  The scowl, unaccompanied by any words, often indicates anger and disapproval. If each interaction is met with a scowl, you have just indicated your disdain for the person.

If you are not sure whether you are doing these things, ask a friend you trust.  If you realize that you are committing these communication killers, make an effort to manage your body language. If it is not the message that you intend to convey, practice in the mirror more approving and welcoming responses.  Your relationship just might thank you for it!

Catherine Mukes is a licensed professional counselor supervisor in the state of Texas. She has over 15 years of experience working with adults, children, groups and couples. She offers counseling and supervision in two locations in the Houston area. For more information visit http://www.CatherineMukes.com

The “F” Word

Every so often in the English language, we run across a word that sends mixed feelings among the crowd.  No word does it better than the “F” word.  You know it, I know it.  Family is the “F” word that beats all “F” words.

When you think of family, a myriad of images may come to mind.  You might consider your family of origin and all that came with being a part of that familial relationship.  You may fantasize about what your future family will be.  You may be currently dealing with very real relational concerns with those who are closest to you.

Family plays a big role in who we are and who we become.  Below are a few questions  from The Talk Before The Walk to get the ball rolling as you think about how the “F” word will impact your marriage.

1. What role do I expect my family of origin to play in our relationship/marriage?
2. How will priorities change when we have children?
3. How will household chores be handled?

Until next time…keep the lines of communication open!

Catherine Mukes is a licensed professional counselor supervisor in the state of Texas.  She has over 15 years of experience working with adults, children, groups and couples.  She offers pre-marriage courses and marriage/couples counseling in two locations in the Houston area.  For more information visit http://www.CatherineMukes.com

Let’s Talk About Sex

In the 90’s, female hip-hop duo Salt-N-Pepa had a chart topper that was all about the three letter taboo word! S-E-X.  Sex is one of those things that everyone thinks about but no one wants to talk about.  And then, when it is talked about, it is met with such sweeping generalities.

Sex is designed to be a loving and intimate experience, and one of the perks of a loving marriage.  However, between the media and sexy movies, a lot of people end up with a sour taste in their mouth about what it sex is and is supposed to be.  And the fact is, each person has their own beliefs and expectations of sexual relationship in marriage.  These could stem from parental teaching, religious upbringing, past sexual experience and more.  Therefore, communication about sexual expectations and history are important for any couple.

Here are a few questions from The Talk Before the Walk to get you started on this touchy topic.

1. How often do I expect to have sex with my spouse?
2. What cues or hints might I drop to let my spouse know I am interested sexually?
3. What medical problems do I have that might make sex difficult?

Now that you’ve started the discussion, do what Salt-N- Pepa suggested, “talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be, let’s talk about sex.”  Until next time…keep the lines of communication open!

Catherine Mukes is a licensed professional counselor supervisor in the state of Texas.  She has over 15 years of experience working with adults, children, groups and couples.  She offers pre-marriage courses and marriage/couples counseling in two locations in the Houston area.  For more information visit http://www.CatherineMukes.com

Getting Real About Your Expectations of Marriage

When some people think of marriage, they envision life with their beloved, a kid or two, and a pet of their choosing all coming up in the housing of their desire.  Others think about marriage and envision fighting, betrayal, broken vows and subsequent divorce.  And then there is everything in between.

No matter your view of marriage, it is important that you are clear with your fiance  and yourself about your understanding, influences and expectations of marriage.  Here are a few questions from section one of my book, The Talk Before the Walk to get your discussion going.

1. What do I expect this marriage to look like?
2. Do my parents, friends and support system support me marrying, and marrying this person?
3. What are my biggest fears about marriage?
4. What or who has been the biggest influence in my views of marriage? How?

That should be plenty to get you both started.  Be honest and open with yourself and with each other.  Remember, you are planning to build a life with this person.  Until next time, keep talking…and start listening!

Catherine Mukes is a licensed professional counselor supervisor in the state of Texas.  She has over 15 years of experience working with adults, children, groups and couples.  She offers pre-marriage courses and marriage/couples counseling in two locations in the Houston area.  For more information visit http://www.CatherineMukes.com

The Talk Before the Walk

After working with and conversing with lots of married people, I started to realize that people seemed to be caught off guard by things that happened in their marriages.   Not the little annoyances that you don’t come to know until you live with a person, but major and sometimes life altering realizations.  I began to categorize some of the complaints and I-wish-had-knowns.  The four major areas of concern were expectations, money, sex and family.

I began to list some of the thoughts and concerns that I heard people mentioned.  I even considered the conversations that my husband and I had before we were married.  I review some of the gut-busting revelations that couples experienced after they had taken their vows. And from that, I wrote my workbook, (not so shameless plug) The Talk Before the Walk.   The book is divided into five general categories of discussion you want have with your betrothed, four of which are include in the previous paragraph and the fifth being goals and dreams.

The book is chocked full of questions that vary from “common sense” discussions to “I would have never thought to ask that” items in each section.  The first section focuses on questions about expectations of marriage including what you’ve learned from the marriages of others, or even your own (if previously married). The second section is all about money.  Discussing spending and saving, and even whether or not a prenup is needed for your relationship.

The third section approaches the topic of sex including how often and what turns you on.  Section four covers all things family; your family of origin, what you expect of your newly created family and even embarks upon questions of mental and physical health history.  Section five is the most fun, as you are able to discuss those hopes, dreams and aspirations that you have for yourself, one another and your life together.

Over the next few blogs, I will give you a couple of questions from each section to get you and your fiancé talking.  If you can’t wait until then, you can order my book, The Talk Before the Walk at Lulu.com, Amazon, Barnes & Nobles and other retailers.  You can also contact me directly for an autographed copy.

Until next time, keep communicating…

Catherine Mukes is a licensed professional counselor supervisor in the state of Texas.  She has over 15 years of experience working with adults, children, groups and couples.  She offers pre-marriage courses and marriage/couples counseling in two locations in the Houston area.  For more information visit http://www.CatherineMukes.com

You’re Engaged! Now What?

So, you’re getting married.  Congratulations!  Marriage is an honor, a privilege and a great responsibility.  I am amazed sometimes at how little preparation people put into marriage.  Oh, you’ve been planning the wedding for months now.  That’s awesome! Now, how long have you been planning for marriage?  Oh, there is a difference.  A HUGE difference.  You see, after the wedding planning is all done, there is still much more work left to do if you want the marriage to be successful.  The wedding only symbolizes the beginning of the life-long process of learning and loving your mate.  More work than you considered? That’s OK.  There is a lot of pleasure in it, too.

Because the success of your impending marriage is important to me, I want to share something with you.  This may come as a surprise, but it’s true…are you ready.  Your marriage has a 100% chance of success! Yup, I said it.  Not what you are used to hearing, right? See, the success of your marriage is not dependent upon the success of other people’s marriages, but on the energy that you and your mate choose to invest in yours.

Some of that investment needs to begin NOW, before you hit the aisle and say your “I dos.”  This is prime time for building the foundation for your life of love while simultaneously planning your wedding.  One of the leading reasons that people give for their marriage not working or being unhappy in marriage is poor or lack of communication.  It has become apparent to me that this never seems like it will be the case when you are dating, but somewhere along the lines we forget.  So, today, and over the next few posts,  I will bring you some insights from my pre-marriage workbook The Talk Before The Walk to start the communication process.

1. Why do I want to get married?
2. What would cause me to want to get a divorce?

You and your fiancé should take some time and answer these questions to yourself, independently.  Then, come together and discuss what you’ve discovered.  Spend the time actually listening to one another before reacting.  You’ll be glad you did.

Catherine Mukes is a licensed professional counselor supervisor in the state of Texas.  She has over 15 years of experience working with adults, children, groups and couples.  She offers pre-marriage courses and marriage/couples counseling in two locations in the Houston area.  For more information visit http://www.CatherineMukes.com